El hombre -el macho de esta curiosa especie en la que nos hemos convertido- es el bicho más fácil de domesticar del planeta. Así lo afirma el pensador afrogermano Hans Von Neuenburg en su extensa “Historia de la dominación”, una colección de 47 volúmenes donde, básicamente, y a fuerza de un alto contenido de alcohol en sangre, se explaya sobre la guerra más antigua de la humanidad: la pugna por el poder. Pero no habla el célebre catedrático de las disputas territoriales o económicas que dieron inicio a los grandes conflictos bélicos, sino a esa otra lucha constante, la de la dominación en la pareja.

“De Adán y Eva en adelante, está todo podrido”, afirma en el prólogo, y transcribe su versión Sui Generis del Génesis (es que se le mezclaban Pedro Aznar y Peter Gabriel):

– Adan, tengo hambre.
– Ay, Eva, no rompas las guindas, son las cuatro de la mañana.
– ¡Eso! ¡Quiero guindas! ¿No me traés unas guinditas, mi cuchicuchi bonito!
– Eva, querida… ¿Qué parte de “son las cuatro de la mañana” no entendiste?
– Pero no seas así, mi hombre-de-la-costilla-de-menos, sé buenito y conseguime unas guindas.
– Guindas no hay, nena. Menos a esta hora y en esta era, que faltan varios millones de años para que se invente el delivery.
– ¿Y no hay ninguna otra cosa para comer?
– Sí, están esas manzanas de mierda, pero el Jefe dijo que no las comamos.
– ¿El Jefe?
– Sí, boluda, el Jefe, el Vecino de Arriba, el Gran Arquitecto Universal, el que viene todos los meses a cobrar las expensas por el Jardín del Edén, pero ni a palos pasa con la cortadora a emprolijar un poco el césped o podar las ligustrinas. Ese Jefe.
– Ah… ¡Pero yo tengo hambre!
– ¡Comete esssssta, Eva!
– ¡Qué tipo ordinario!

“A través del caprichichito pedorro”, explica Von Neuenburg, “Eva pretendía ejercer un cierto control sobre Adán, incitándolo a hacer algo que no quería, en un momento más que inoportuno de la noche”. El resto de la historia es por todos conocida: a la mañana siguiente, Eva se levantó con hambre, mal humor, aliento a jabalí y síndrome premenstrual y, nomás por demostrarle al marido -y, de paso, al Jefecito- quién llevaba la hoja de parra (pantalones no había) en el Paraíso Terrenal, fue a negociar con la Serpiente, se comió la manzanita y, desde ese entonces, ha sido estigmatizada como el origen de todos los males.

Si Eva hubiera sido más astuta, el archifamoso episodio del Génesis hubiera sido más breve:

– Adan…
– ¿Qué querés a esta hora de la madrugada, hinchapelotas?
– Quiero una fruta, tengo hambre.
– Ni en pedo.
– Si me traés una manzana, te la chupo.

De ahí en adelante, el curso de la historia de la humanidad hubiera sido bien distinto.

“La herramienta básica para la manipulación de
la realidad es la manipulación de la palabra”

Phillip K. Dic

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